Why R U OK? Day is Problematic...Hear Me Out!

It's suicide prevention month, it's such a vitally important month worldwide, Suicide and it's prevention is one of the most important conversations we can have worldwide.

In Australia, one of the front-runners in the suicide conversation is R U OK? the company that has produce a vital campaign called R U OK? Day it has been a day that is changing the conversation of Mental Health and has been in a plight to do so for almost 10 years. but if I am honest, there's something about it that just gets under my skin. not about the campaign, but about peoples attitude toward it. In this post, I am going to talk about my issues with R U OK? day and what I think we can do to continue to make a positive difference in the conversation around Mental Health.

What a perfect team!

What is your idea of a perfect team?

That team that plays ball well together? The swim team that gets the gold medal? The football team that hasn't lost game all season? Something similar? Well for me, It's anxiety and depression. 

For me to better explain to you the last few weeks of my life. 

Lets look at our first player: Anxiety. 

It all started when the kids in my street decided it was a good idea to play in my yard, me being me and not liking confrontation let them, kept quiet, well joyful little wonders they are decided to start destroying my fence, which I still don't know if i have to pay for or not. 

The next thing that happened was constant threats of rocks being thrown through my windows, and things that may happen to my house. None of this happened, but with two previous break ins, and constantly finding people looking through my windows in the backyard, men (who i do not know) constantly asking to come in my home at 2am,  you can maybe understand why my anxiety was a little sky high over these threats. 

The next thing that happened was  the bus company I frequent changed it's route. These same kids had thrown rocks at two different busses damaging them enough to stop an entire bus services from going down my street.

This might seam like a small deal to most people but this small thing changed, no big deal, but for me it's a huge overwhelming change that I don't think many people understand. The bus I would get an hour and a half after I would wake up. I had set times I did things, I would wake up at 645 an leave my house at 8.08 for my 8.15 bus. When they ended the route I had to change every thing i did in that hour and a half. 

This was right before the holidays, I actually found out mid holidays why,

During these holidays my neighbour again caught some one in my back yard, so thankful for him being aware enough and telling this individual where to go, who knew what could have happened. 

Anxiety is a really good addition to this team, even when I am smooth sailing, attending tafe, sitting in class, attending conferences, Anxiety still seems to make it's self aware where ever possible. 

Lets look at our second addition to the team: Depression

Depression is that player that shows up when the team is a head in the game, when the score is super high. Players like depression start scoring, gaining lots of metres when, basically Depression comes a long and makes things better (please note the sarcasm in some of these statements) 

I am one of those people who is lucky enough to have that AMAZING type of depression that lets you get to the top of your own game, it lets you push and fight against it, and then. . . knock you the hell off your feet, I call it self sabotaging depression. 

I've been going pretty well lately, I think the secret is to not say that out loud, though! I literally said to some one (when they asked how I was going) that my life was pretty "breezy" at that point in time. To be honest i feel like since i said that self doubt, and self loathing has taken over completely. 

A kind of self loathing where I believe this is what i deserve, this feeling this voice in my head is correct and I have no right to think otherwise. 

The Team: 

When you put these two players together with some other key players like a social phobia or PTSD you end up in a whirlwind. a heavy darkness, a fog that seems never ending. 

They're a team that are so hard to play against. The team no one wants to face because their plight is just so brutal. 

I know that in a couple of days, maybe weeks things will start to balance out again, just like it has any other time, I will come out the victor, but damn when you're in the thick of it they're hard to beat.

If you would like to read my other Mental Health related posts, click here

PSA: You Do Not Need to Justify Your Anxiety

I am a highly anxious person, it's not a secret, I live with three different types of Anxiety running through these veins there is rarely a time that i don't feel some kind of anxiety in me. At times though, it's easier to manage then others. The times when it's harder, I tend to be more vocal about it. 

I've been noticing something of a trend lately (when i say trend, it could have been happening for a while, but I've only just become aware of it.) 

When I bring up my anxiety I am always asked, that question  

"Why?" 

It's a good question and I suspect about 80% of people who ask it mean well but the problem is, half the time I don't know why I am anxious until its over. 

I mean sure, there are times when I know i have a commitment or something, I could be kept awake because of it for nights before hand, or i could wake up almost vomiting all over my dog. Those, those anxious times I can cope, I can often be sitting in the middle of a family gathering and feel anxious for seemingly no reason. And that's okay until people ask that one question that I do not have the answer too. 

To be honest, when I am asked this question, I always feel like I am not believed, like my anxiety is not real, like I am almost being interrigated. It makes me question myself, but seriously!

Why?............Honestly? I don;t always know!

What I do know that there is a little part of the brain called the amygdala that was damaged when I was younger me, when this traumatised bad enough, you get your funky little anxiety disorders, General Anxiety Disorders, PTSD, social phobias and like wise. The amygdala is there to pretty much (taking all the neuroscience words out of it) process your emotions, including fear which is the biggest form of anxiety. If it is damaged repeatedly, then of course it's not going to run the same, like any thing. So it's finding fear unconsciously, or consciously, depending on the situation. 

Even with this information, in my mind when ever some one as why i am anxious i feel obligated to give them a reason, because it never feels enough for me to say "I'm anxious," They want a reason, they want a solution, but I'm sorry, that's not how it works, well for me at least that's not how it works. 

So, to all the people who do not live with constant anxiety, next time some one tells you they are anxious, try not to ask why, perhaps change the question a little, try not to make your friend (or family) feel obligated to tell you, but if they do have a reason, listen openly, don't try to solve it for them, the reasons and solutions are often just as complex as the why. 

To my fellow people living with anxiety, you do not need to answer that question. If you are self aware enough to know that what you are feeling is Anxiety good on you, you're doing so well. Anxiety is hard, you do not need to make it harder but feeling obligated to help the world understand. 

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If you would like to hear any more about my personal experiences with Anxiety shoot me some requests or questions in the comments below!!

If you would like to read my other Mental Health related posts, click here

Suicide and The New Year Peak

Hi there party goers, sorry to bring the mood down, I dont think this post will be a long one, but this post is really important, especially after the year most of us have had. Suicide can be prevented, the more we talk about it, the more we educate ourselves the more we can help some one at their most dire time of need.

Firstly, if the situation is urgent, please do not leave the person alone, call 000/911 what ever you emergency services number is and tell them that the persons life is at risk.

 It's assumed in that the suicide rate rises over Christmas, but that is not true, the suicide rate actually drops over Christmas but rises over the New Year period. 

People who attempt suicide do not necessarily want to die, they simply want to end the intense emotional pain that follows them day by day. The thought of bringing that pain in to another year, or living another year of intense pain and hopelessness can be unbearable,  So why bother?

A lot of loved ones of a person who has fallen to a completed suicide often say that they never saw it coming, or that they were always so happy, for a lot of people who attempt to take their own lives are often showing signs that are painfully obvious, some times not obvious, here is a short list some signs a person may be suicidal:

• Threatening to hurt or kill themselves or Looking for ways to kill themselves: seeking access to pills, weapons, or other means
• Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide: This might be also an outlet of feelings, but it vital to talk the person about what they are talking or writing about, let them know your thoughts, let them open up to you.
• Hopelessness: one of my favourite saying is 'where there is life, there is hope' but not everybody can see the hope in their future, its gone, and to the person at risk, there's not getting it back.
• Rage, anger, seeking revenge 
• Acting recklessly or engaging in risky activities, seemingly without thinking 
• Feeling trapped, like there’s no way out 
• Increasing alcohol and drug use  
• Withdrawing from friends, family or society 
• Anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time 
• Dramatic changes in mood: This can go either way, the person at risk, might become sad and depressed as their date of choice nears closer, but they may also grow excited that the pain will soon end.
• Giving away their stuff: There might be something special that the person at risk might give away, so a specific person. Or just giving things away in general, it could be a form of spring cleaning or something a whole lot worse.
• No reason for living, no sense of purpose in life

 It's one thing to suspect some one is at risk of suicide or self harm, its another to know what to do, Here are some do's and dont's:

Don’t… 

•  Do not dispute the person's thoughts of suicide: a simple "Oh come in you dont feel like that" can be more harming then you realise, 
• Tell them Suicide is wrong: We all know that suicide is sad, and it leaves people behind hurt and upset, but this is not the time or the place to debate this, this is a life or death situation, your thoughts on the act are not what's important right now. 
• use guilt or threats to prevent suicide: do not tell the person they will go to hell or ruin other people’s lives if they die by suicide.
• Minimise the suicidal person’s problems: Their problems might be trivial to you, you might have been through worse, or over come a similar thing, good for you, I'm proud of you but take a walk in their shoes, this is the worst for them. 
• Interrupt with stories of your own: I in no way mean to minimise your story, i know you have been through a hell of a lot but it doesnt mean shit right now, if your friend or loved on is at risk of suicide, your stories are not going to help, If you do need help, please come talk to me,
• Don't give insincere reassurance: statements such as Dont worry or everything is going to be okay do not ease the pain, this person has lost all sense of hope, right now, the cant see a possible way that everything can be okay.. 
• call their bluff: if you do this, you suck! Like, you can be 100% certain that the person is not going to do anything to harm themselves, doing this would be such a slap in the face regardless of their plans. 
• give a diagnosis of a mental illness: Read this carefully, People at risk are not necessarily mentally unwell, but menally unwell people are a higher risk of suicide, please do not put a diagnosis on them, its not what they need right now.  
• Do not avoid using the word suicide:  discuss the issue directly without fear or negative judgement. 

Dos:

• Positive body language: Only 7% of our communication is spoken, that leaves 93% left to other means, one of out biggest communicators is our body language try to hold a positive attitude through this. 
• Be patient: It's hard to express our deepest darkest thoughts to some one else, if some one has trusted you with this please, be patient.
•  and calm while the suicidal person is talking about their feelings. 
• Listen openly: the person at risk is trusting you with their absolute darkest thoughts and feelings, be calm and listen openly and acceptingly to what they are telling you. It's helpful to show you are listening by clarifying important points, or summarising what the person is saying.
• Ask open-ended questions: When talking to the person at risk it's important to give them a place to feel safe and opportunity to explore, closed questions can be answered simply with a 'no' explore with your questions, 
• Express empathy: Please know the difference between Sympathy and Empathy, Sympathy is sorrowful and pittying, Empathy is understanding and sharing ones feelings. If you're going to show Empathy, mean it! The Person At risk will know if you dont. 

This is literally a do or die situation, if you are afraid somebody is going to attempt suicide please contact authoroties, the person at risk might not like you for it but hopefully soon enough the will thank you for it. It's not easy to be the person who is responding to a person at risk, please be careful, and make sure you talk to some one as well. 

Like I said earlier Suicide can be prevented, the more we talk about things like this the more we educate ourselves, the more we educate each other on the risks and what to do the more we will be able to help people. 

If you're feeling hopeless please reach out to some one, click below for a list of worldwide prevention numbers. These people don't sit on the other end of these phones for fun, the do it because the genuinely want to help people like you get through this hard time. Reach out to me if you'd like, i'm always happy to listen and give advice. There are many ways to contact me, just hit the contact button at the top of the page!

New Year is a time where most of us feel joy and happiness, we enjoy our families, we celebrate the good things in our life. For many it highlights the divisions, the distance and the loss. Please if you are worried about a work mate, friend or loved one, reach out. They’ll be thankful that you did.

Click Here For A list of World Hot lines

Thanks my post for today guys, I know I said in the beginning it would be a short post and it really wasn't, but i dont mind because it's something I am really important that i feel not enough people talk about this will not be the last post i make on Suicide. Start a conversation, If you think i have missed something please comment it below. 

If you would like to read any of my other Mental Health Related posts, simply click here!

Credit: This article was really helpful in helping me write this post