What a perfect team!

What is your idea of a perfect team?

That team that plays ball well together? The swim team that gets the gold medal? The football team that hasn't lost game all season? Something similar? Well for me, It's anxiety and depression. 

For me to better explain to you the last few weeks of my life. 

Lets look at our first player: Anxiety. 

It all started when the kids in my street decided it was a good idea to play in my yard, me being me and not liking confrontation let them, kept quiet, well joyful little wonders they are decided to start destroying my fence, which I still don't know if i have to pay for or not. 

The next thing that happened was constant threats of rocks being thrown through my windows, and things that may happen to my house. None of this happened, but with two previous break ins, and constantly finding people looking through my windows in the backyard, men (who i do not know) constantly asking to come in my home at 2am,  you can maybe understand why my anxiety was a little sky high over these threats. 

The next thing that happened was  the bus company I frequent changed it's route. These same kids had thrown rocks at two different busses damaging them enough to stop an entire bus services from going down my street.

This might seam like a small deal to most people but this small thing changed, no big deal, but for me it's a huge overwhelming change that I don't think many people understand. The bus I would get an hour and a half after I would wake up. I had set times I did things, I would wake up at 645 an leave my house at 8.08 for my 8.15 bus. When they ended the route I had to change every thing i did in that hour and a half. 

This was right before the holidays, I actually found out mid holidays why,

During these holidays my neighbour again caught some one in my back yard, so thankful for him being aware enough and telling this individual where to go, who knew what could have happened. 

Anxiety is a really good addition to this team, even when I am smooth sailing, attending tafe, sitting in class, attending conferences, Anxiety still seems to make it's self aware where ever possible. 

Lets look at our second addition to the team: Depression

Depression is that player that shows up when the team is a head in the game, when the score is super high. Players like depression start scoring, gaining lots of metres when, basically Depression comes a long and makes things better (please note the sarcasm in some of these statements) 

I am one of those people who is lucky enough to have that AMAZING type of depression that lets you get to the top of your own game, it lets you push and fight against it, and then. . . knock you the hell off your feet, I call it self sabotaging depression. 

I've been going pretty well lately, I think the secret is to not say that out loud, though! I literally said to some one (when they asked how I was going) that my life was pretty "breezy" at that point in time. To be honest i feel like since i said that self doubt, and self loathing has taken over completely. 

A kind of self loathing where I believe this is what i deserve, this feeling this voice in my head is correct and I have no right to think otherwise. 

The Team: 

When you put these two players together with some other key players like a social phobia or PTSD you end up in a whirlwind. a heavy darkness, a fog that seems never ending. 

They're a team that are so hard to play against. The team no one wants to face because their plight is just so brutal. 

I know that in a couple of days, maybe weeks things will start to balance out again, just like it has any other time, I will come out the victor, but damn when you're in the thick of it they're hard to beat.

If you would like to read my other Mental Health related posts, click here

PSA: You Do Not Need to Justify Your Anxiety

I am a highly anxious person, it's not a secret, I live with three different types of Anxiety running through these veins there is rarely a time that i don't feel some kind of anxiety in me. At times though, it's easier to manage then others. The times when it's harder, I tend to be more vocal about it. 

I've been noticing something of a trend lately (when i say trend, it could have been happening for a while, but I've only just become aware of it.) 

When I bring up my anxiety I am always asked, that question  

"Why?" 

It's a good question and I suspect about 80% of people who ask it mean well but the problem is, half the time I don't know why I am anxious until its over. 

I mean sure, there are times when I know i have a commitment or something, I could be kept awake because of it for nights before hand, or i could wake up almost vomiting all over my dog. Those, those anxious times I can cope, I can often be sitting in the middle of a family gathering and feel anxious for seemingly no reason. And that's okay until people ask that one question that I do not have the answer too. 

To be honest, when I am asked this question, I always feel like I am not believed, like my anxiety is not real, like I am almost being interrigated. It makes me question myself, but seriously!

Why?............Honestly? I don;t always know!

What I do know that there is a little part of the brain called the amygdala that was damaged when I was younger me, when this traumatised bad enough, you get your funky little anxiety disorders, General Anxiety Disorders, PTSD, social phobias and like wise. The amygdala is there to pretty much (taking all the neuroscience words out of it) process your emotions, including fear which is the biggest form of anxiety. If it is damaged repeatedly, then of course it's not going to run the same, like any thing. So it's finding fear unconsciously, or consciously, depending on the situation. 

Even with this information, in my mind when ever some one as why i am anxious i feel obligated to give them a reason, because it never feels enough for me to say "I'm anxious," They want a reason, they want a solution, but I'm sorry, that's not how it works, well for me at least that's not how it works. 

So, to all the people who do not live with constant anxiety, next time some one tells you they are anxious, try not to ask why, perhaps change the question a little, try not to make your friend (or family) feel obligated to tell you, but if they do have a reason, listen openly, don't try to solve it for them, the reasons and solutions are often just as complex as the why. 

To my fellow people living with anxiety, you do not need to answer that question. If you are self aware enough to know that what you are feeling is Anxiety good on you, you're doing so well. Anxiety is hard, you do not need to make it harder but feeling obligated to help the world understand. 

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If you would like to hear any more about my personal experiences with Anxiety shoot me some requests or questions in the comments below!!

If you would like to read my other Mental Health related posts, click here

Christmas, Depression, How To Help!

Between 1 in 5 ( Or more) Australians  experience a Mental Illness at any time of the year. Christmas in particular is a time where a lot of people putting added pressure on themselves to be joyful or merry or to buy that perfect Christmas gift. Over the next couple of weeks in the lead up to Christmas and New Year I am hoping to pen a couple of posts highlighting what many of us seem to over look in our rush for the perfect Christmas, those who are struggling silently. Today’s topic is depression and grief.

Around the world there are many people who are already struggling with Depression on an every day basis they struggle getting out of bed, the struggle showering and just doing mundane tasks like feeding your pets that a lot of us do with so much ease. It’s easy to hid depression but the signs can sometimes be as obvious as a sore thumb.
Just the same as people are struggling with Depression there are many people around the world that this Christmas will be a First. A first living away from their parents, A first for their child. A first with out that loved one that they held so near and dear.

Here is a list of some things to keep in mind.

• It’s okay to feel. Acceptance is one of the hardest part of Depression and most definitely grief. You do not need to be merry, you do not have to smile if you don’t want to, if you are feeling down. Accept and allow those feelings.
• Set your boundaries. You usually have a big family get together or two over the holiday season, but you want a quiet Christmas. You need to be firm with your family and let them know that you need to take care of your health.
• Know your limits, It is more then okay to say no! Dont look at me like that! Yes it is perfectly fine to say no! You need to understand what is going to be too much in order for you to keep at an optimal mental health. If you dont feel like you would have fun going to a party, dont go, Organize for a more comfortable time to hang out with that friend.
• Go for a walk. We all know the facts. Exercise releases the good endorphins that make you feel better. So, If you’re at the party already and you have gotten in to that stage where you just want to curl in a ball and cry, get up, go for a walk. But please be safe.
• Ask for help! I think this is the most important one here. It’s not a bad thing, you deserve to be okay, there are many services around the world, (which I will link below) that are there 24/7 that want to make sure you get through your troubles, I, we They want you to be okay, so please if you need it, seek it!
• Do things that make YOU happy. It doesnt matter if it’s laying in the rain, making a snow angel while listening to Metallica eating a whole tub of cookie and cream ice cream on your own while listening to Kelly Clarkson, do what makes YOU happy. The more to this, the better you will feel.

It’s a time of year where everyone feels the need to force a smile but there are people who are hidden away who would rather do anything but force another smile and sing jingle bells.There are many of us who have a friend who might be struggling. 

There are some things you can do too that might help.

• Allow them to feel. Often with depression people need to feel the feelings to understand what is wrong. Whether this is crying, yelling, screaming, kicking a fence. As long as they are not harming themselves, getting them selves in trouble or harming some one else, let them feel.
• Listen to them. Some times all we need a shoulder to cry on, other times we need an ear to listen to us, if you are given your friends deepest thoughts in the time when they are agonizing pain, then they trust you. Listen to them, be their ear but dont try to save them by solving all their problems, just listen.
• Accept them for who they are right now. We often want our nearest and dearest to come to every event with us. They might have been the life of the party last year but this year they really are not in to it. Accept that. Let them say no. Let them be alone, trust that they know what they need.
• Offer help. Sometimes our loved ones dont want to talk to us, perhaps they need to be alone with some music, or to read a book, or maybe they need to talk to some one who is knows absolutely nothing about them. Mention that Movie or song that you know makes them feel a little better. Recommend a book that made you feel nice. Give them the number for a help line or a website that night help, (Sane and Beyond blue are great ones in Australia) but dont force it on them.

Christmas is a time where most of us feel joy and happiness, we enjoy our families, we celebrate the good things in our life. For many it highlights the divisions, the distance and the loss. Please if you are worried about a work mate, friend or loved one, reach out. They’ll be thankful that you did.

Click Here For A list of World Hot lines